May is around the corner and thus starts off the epic clusterfuck of summer movie EXTRAVAGANZA. I’m looking ahead at the rest of the year and there are remarkably a few movies I’m looking forward to.
Dark Shadows – Friday, May 11th
The new Tim Burton original is getting good buzz and for good reason, it looks awesome and finally a return to Tim’s eccentric, witty, hilarious, exciting, and FRESH writing and direction that made me adore Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, and Nightmare Before Christmas (yes, even a Jewess can love that movie). An adaption of the 70s soap opera it has Tim’s usual favorites: Johnny Depp and Burton’s partner, Helena Bonham Carter (not to dismiss her epic acting abilities), but it also has the lovely Eva Green, the ever alluring Michelle Pfeiffer and wicked talented 15-year-old actress Chloë Moretz (who stole my heart in Kick Ass, I expect great things from her). Plus we have a bit part from geek legend, Christopher Lee.
Watching the trailers has absolutely entranced me and I am eager to see it.
Piranha 3DD – June 1st
I’m always up for a good Nom movie so the follow up to gore-hilarity-semiporno-fest that was the 2010 film Piranha 3D—which I found amusing and titillating *ahem* (read my Nom review)—will be a randy romp of blood and tits, I’m sure (did I mention TITS?! There will be tits, I need my Piranha-frenzy-induced-lezboner….dammit!). Sadly they aren’t returning the epic Elizabeth Shue to the saga (I am deeply saddened by this) but luckily Christopher “Doc 1.21 Gigawatts” Lloyd returns for his part as Mr. Goodman. Ving Motherfuckin’ Rhames also returns. Despite the loss of Shue we do have surely entertaining bit parts from the ever creeptastic Gary Busey and the Prince of Germany, David Hassleofff. I’d better see some running in slow-motion-on-the-beach action from the Hoff. Mmmmm, chest hair.
Anyways, I’m only looking forward to it for my own sick reasons. In reality, I’m sure it’s going to be god awful, but there will be tits and 3D piranhas, right?
Snow White and the Huntsman – June 1st
While I can’t pretend to be pleased with the casting choice of Kristen “One Emotion” Stewart as the heroine, I am going to ignore it because the trailers makes this film look absolutely visually stunning and an intriguing take on the tale, perhaps tracing it back to the fairy tale’s dark roots. Of course, even if there wasn’t that aspect, I think I would still go. Because I want to get eye-fucked by Charlize Theron.
This screen cap nearly makes me lose control of my lady parts. Seriously, I have such a lezboner for Charlize in this film that I might go all Bible Black crazy and have a sudden uncontrollable masturbation episode. If you don’t get that reference, congrats, you don’t watch hentai. Anyways, back to Charlize.
Oh and did I mention that THOR is in it??
OH HEY! We get eye-fucking from Chris Hemsworth too!
Two for the price of one!
Egads, It’s a bisexual BONANZA!
Even Little Miss Emo can’t spoil this OH HAVE MERCY movie.
Prometheus – June 8th
They didn’t make it obvious, but it is the fifth installment of Aliens. And because I love the saga (my husband sat me down and forced me to watch every movie last summer, what a great husband, my life was missing out before), I HAVE to see it. It seems to be an attempted reboot after the Alien vs. Predator franchise merge riots (Personally I enjoyed the first AVP movie, those AVP2 was redonkulously awful). It’s a prequel exploring the nature of the aliens, and no Ellen Ripley. Ridley Scott is back onboard, The trailers don’t give much away except general suspense, terror and ominous imagery. I’m not sure what to expect but I’m curious. Oh and Charlize is in this. No trailer footage revealing any eye-fucking, but girl, I’ll be waiting.
Those are the only summer movies I’m anxious for. You ask, “But WAIT! No Avengers? No Dark Knight Rises?” That’s right, booboo. While I may have been madly in love with Thor and Chris Body-Oddy-Oddy-Oooolala-Hemsworth, I am not gung ho for him teaming up with super friends. I was never one to really love the comic Super Friends / Justice League / Avengers merging of superheroes. It gets to a point of ridiculousity. Plus half of why I actually adored Thor (besides Chrissy-pookums) was the Norse mythology. I’m aware the Loki is the baddy in Avengers but the cheese of modern heroes super combo fighting squad just doesn’t appeal.
As for Dark Knight Rises, well, I was pretty meh about the whole affair with the first two. While I am excited for Catwoman to enter and I’ll be interested to see Anne Hathaway, who seems a little too “sunshine and rainbows” in all the films I’ve seen try and pulloff batshit crazy….or should I say catshit crazy?! Mwahaha, worst pun ever. Anyways, I’m also interested that they swept Heath Ledger’s Joker under the rug by making it eight years later. Interested but that doesn’t scream good. I mean they have Heath’s also famous doppelganger in the film. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the craziest lookalike in the world. Why pass him up to get some Joker bits in? And apparently there’s unused Heath footage too. No transition? Just gone? Anyways Dark Knight was vastly overrated.